Writers Disease.

a poem.

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recently I lost the will to write.

the words that once flowed like water,

no longer seem to flow from my mind.

I contemplated,

maybe this is the last ever time,

that I will be able to paint beautiful pictures with the words I write.

Is this disease curable, doctor?

Is there anyway to save me?

I feel like I’m going insane,

The words I try to write no longer translate,

my mind a black abyss the words just cant seem to escape

is there anyway to take this pain away?

I remember people asking why I write

In response I wrote a sea full of poems and stories

eyes blazing, pen scratching,

now I can no longer answer that question.

Why didn’t anyone tell me doctor?

this disease is more than my pen being unable to hit the paper

its more than my mind drawing up blanks

its more than the burning desire to rip every piece of paper to shreds

its being stuck in limbo,

its being stripped, naked with no where to hide,

help me. help me. help me.

why wont you help me?

you told me it would only last a week and now its a year and I still can’t seem to move this block.

I can’t seem destroy this block

this mental block

this disease.

I screamed. I screamed. I screamed.

and all he had to say to me and all he ever said was,

time.

“Spent my whole life trying to find what’s at the end of the tunnel I should have realized it was inside…”

“…So lately I been trying to get what’s inside outside.”

As you might have noticed, my posts always start with a quote. Which is the undercurrent of my whole post. Quotes are inspiring, they teach you something, show you something and causes you to reflect on your own life. I gather quotes from anything, songs, books, people, Tumblr, etc. Quotes ignite inspiration.

Today’s post is inspired by Big Sean’s song “Light”. Big Sean talks about the light being inner strength. I see the light as not only inner strength but what makes us, its a part of our souls, its beauty. We always here about finding the light at the end of the tunnel, but never about the light inside. As if it doesn’t exist. Haven’t you noticed the light inside children? Don’t get me wrong, me and kids don’t mix at all. But there’s an obvious light inside them, not only their innocence and hope, its within their dreams and imagination. They believe in magic. I’m not talking about witches and broom sticks, I’m talking about the wonder. Its in their eyes. They shine. But the older we get the more the light dims, we begin to slowly lose our innocence, our hopes, our dreams, our imaginations, our magic. We start crawling through a tunnel, then we walk and when everything hits the fan we run, towards a light, we hope is there. I know it sounds quite pessimistic to state that “we hope”… but how many people reach it? how many people touch it? how many people taste it? This light at the end of the tunnel. Maybe there is no tunnel, maybe its just another way of cushioning the blow of life. Maybe its what keeps us running, in this endless routine of being in education, working to 9-5, trying to survive in a world that doesn’t care about your wellbeing but how much money your contributing to those that already have too much. Or its the idea that once you touch happiness you can keep it, or maybe you’ll achieve the American dream, 0r find your ‘soul mate’, or that evil doesn’t strive.

But instead of spending the rest of you existence searching for this light in this ‘tunnel’. Why not familiarise your self with the light inside that you lost? Your self love, self worth, your dreams, imagination, your magic. When you are enough, and have always been enough. That your soul shouldn’t be boxed up and contained but shared. Show everyone how beautiful, you are inside and out. Let it out.

Don’t let people dim your shine. Keep your chin up and your head high.

“I didn’t know who I was suppose to be. At fifteen”

The journey to self discovery and identity.

Listening to Taylor Swift’s song ‘Fifteen’ had me thinking about myself, at the tender age of 15. When I was younger, I wanted to grow up so badly. I recall being 15, itching to leave the all girls school that I thought had me trapped. I couldn’t wait to leave, have freedom, talk to guys and be independent. Like the saying goes, the grass ain’t greener on the other side.

Growing up is crazy. Its a crazy roller-coaster, of ups and downs. Sometimes you feel like your struck, in a identity crisis. Who am I? Who do I want to be? What do I want to do? Where do I want to be in life?

I wish someone told me that it all just takes time. I wish someone told me this:

  1. You do not need to know who you are, exactly what you want to be and where you have to go in life. Its okay to be clueless.
  2. Self discovery is a life long journey. You will forever being learning new things about who you are. That’s the beauty of life.
  3. People change. One day, you will look at yourself, reflect on how you have acted and cry about how you lost yourself. How you lost who you are. How you knew someone so well before and now they are unrecognisable. Sometimes you lose yourself, your not the only one, but you won’t be lost forever.
  4. Love who you are. Don’t let anyone tell you who your suppose to be or demean your character. YOU know YOU, and even when you forget, it will always be there inside you. Noone can be you-they can just try. I know its cheesy… but you are unique. There will never be anyone else like you.

Still, looking back at it. I wish someone told me what I knew now. I still wish that right now, at the age of 19, someone could give me the guide to self discovery because I have so much more growing up left to do. Honestly, I didn’t know who I was suppose to be, at 15,16,17 and 18. Right here, right now, at 19… I’m still trying to figure it out.