The Optimist

I admit it damn it

I’m a pessimist okay?

I said it.

I don’t have much faith in humanity

I don’t have much faith in myself either

Negativity is like a moth to a flame

I keep it very close and dear to my heart

I don’t care about a lot,

I don’t care about a lot of people

empathy is a battle I struggle with

why should I walk a mile in your shoes

when you haven’t even attempted to undo the shoelaces of mine?

why should I feel your pain?

attempt to feel how you feel

when you turn a blind eye to my own suffering?

and yes.

I’m selfish

its a disease, just like procrastination and laziness

In this world you rather eat or be eaten

and I’m nobodies chew toy.

 

But recently,

I’ve had a spark of optimism.

not an ever burning flame

pessimism isn’t disposable

or easily treated.

But I met you.

And maybe,

I’m well on my way.

 

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Consequences

slowly, ever so slowly you kill me

its like I’m messed up on heroin

your my own personal drug

the best crack I’ve ever snorted

so toxic

our love is so toxic

if god could hear me now

my knees dripping with blood,

choking on the fumes of devotion

sick on pills I just took

high on the feeling

stuck in the moment

stuck with you

high as kite

but lower than I’ve ever been.

the consequence of your love

is that it hurts

I tumble

crash

fall

crumble.

if god could see me right now

would he love how much I love love

how much I love loving you

that even the temporary high is worth the underlying pain.

 

Lottery Ticket

I would die for you,

take a bullet straight to my brain,

a knife in my chest,

lay down my life,

take my last breath,

venture into the unknown which is life after death,

if theres even a life at all,

let myself fall into the uncertain.

would you do the same for me?

would you take a bullet straight to your lungs,

a knife in your leg,

hoping for a heaven and even a hell.

its crazy.

absolute madness.

how certain I am that I would give everything up for you,

and how unsure I am that you would do the same.

it like buying a lottery ticket,

its like answering a 22 mark question and praying you got it right,

because in the end you either get what you want,

or you fail,

life is a gamble,

and sometimes it always feels like your losing.

 

There was a time,

when I thought I knew how much I meant to you.

Now it just feels like a knife in the back,

and a bullet to heart.

 

even now.

with everything I now know,

with all this knowledge I have acquired,

with a firm grasp on how much I mean to you

If the bullet were to fly in your direction,

if the knife was to pierce your chest,

if the angel of death was knocking on your door,

I’m sure,

that I wouldn’t think twice about my next move.

 

 

Horror Stories

Was always so blind.

I didn’t comprehend…I didn’t see

That all I wanted and needed was right in front of me.

Waving, smiling, laughing, shouting , running, reaching

Fingertips nearly touching,

Hearts nearly close enough to perform a synchronise beat.

But eyes looking past,

Eyes wide,

Eyes blind,

All the things I couldn’t see.

I let them just walk right past while I focused on only me,

My dreams,

My aspirations,

Scared.

I can read you horror stories about being scared.

I can swim oceans,

jump off cliffs,

run for miles,

and it still wouldn’t be enough to tell you about the magnitude of fear.

Scared is when you realise your dad has left and your all alone

Scared is the crazy heart wrenching fear of the dark

All the things you don’t want to see, manifest and show themselves in the dark

Scared is blaming everyone but yourself

Scared is letting life pass you by

Scared is severing sacred connections.

Scared is almost saying ‘I do’

Scared is almost crying

Scared is almost showing emotion

Scared is almost saying ‘I like you too’

Scared is never moving

It’s never ending

It’s forever blind.

It’s forever losing.

It’s forever alone.

“Next time we f**k, I don’t wanna f**k, I wanna make love”

How many people nowadays can honestly sit down and tell you all the times they had sex, it was more than just sex? How many people can tell you that every time they got intimate with someone it is because of an undeniable connection they both shared? How many people can say that they don’t just want to have meaningless sex anymore? How many people told you that messing around doesn’t make them feel better? How many people want to make love? How many relationships last???

I was conversing with my friend earlier, about society, sexual expectations, intimacy and most importantly connection. I find it crazy, absolutely mind blowing, to comprehend giving up apart of your soul without connection there. I find it crazy how people can actually find honest connections in the 21st century anymore. Maybe its because I’m 19. Apparently everyone has a ‘hoe stage’, I’m still to have mine.

What has happened to building relationships? what has happened to dates? romance? falling for someone for who they are and not what they have to give you?  What’s happened to loving someone’s mind so much, that the physical isn’t what’s important? Yes, I’m making generalisations, I know people in beautiful relationships. I can say I feel slightly envious, confused to how they found that kind of love but scared it will never last. Because these day’s love is never enough. Love doesn’t save marriages, sex doesn’t make them stay, love doesn’t ensure loyalty and honesty. I guess the beauty of life is to take that risk… maybe someone is actually worth hurting for.

All good things are hard to find. But, right now, it seems almost impossible. I want that Drake loyalty. I want a Bella and Edward kinda love, a Catherine Heathcliff kind of obsession, a Sephy and Callum commitment and lastly a Hazel and Augustus ’till death do us part.

Is that too much to ask for?

“For you a thousand times over!”

I’ve been wondering…for quite sometime. Who would I give up everything for? how much would I give up and how many times? People enter your life at any moment, make an impact and then when the hours turns to days and days turns to weeks and weeks turn to months then months years then someway somehow they end up leaving.

The curse of this world is that nothing will ever be certain forever. So, I humbly contemplate who I would give up everything for, again and again just like Hassan would for Amir. Just like Heathcliff for Catherine, Like Romeo for Juliet, Like Sam for Frodo. Honestly, we spend time creating meaningful connections, negative or positive. We spend time thinking about all the people we meet and would we, give up everything, a thousand times over, for a stranger that later holds significant importance. Many will say family members, your mother, your brother, your sister which is completely understandable. But they aren’t the only people in your life and sadly sometimes they themselves find the door out. But when they locate the door and leave would you still, give up everything, a million times over, even if they wouldn’t do the same for you?

The irony.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that, the beauty of life is the ability to seek connections and find people worth giving up everything for. A trillion times over.