I’ve been so lost.

I’ve been drowning.

Not drowning my sorrows in a good bottle of Jack

But instead inhaling and exhaling the smoke God let grow

I don’t know where I am

I’m unsure to where I am going to go

and for once I can’t see my own future.

Its like water filling my lungs


Choking on responsibilites

my fear of heart break

my fear of never belonging

my fear of failure


I’m choking on anger.

Waiting for someone to help me breathe

but no one is coming.

Realising, that in this world you have no one but yourself

even the flower you helped grow will die

even the person who watered you, will die.

but anger.

I can die angry at the world.

The anger that corrupted my spirit, my soul

The pain I cover up with fists.

With yelling

With shouting.

Questioning why

why does it always seem like the grass is greener on the other side?

why does it feel like the world is crashing around me?

why does it feel like my poetry has no direction?

why do people hurt the people they love?

why did the world have to let my grandma die?

why couldn’t I stop it?

why couldn’t I stop it.

pain is just a consequence of love.

maybe I loved her too much.

maybe I needed her too much.

maybe I deserve to spend the rest of my life choking.




I no longer believe in things I cannot see.

that means that theres a lot of things I don’t believe in.

I lack faith. Religious guidance. Emotional support.

I believe actions speak louder than words

I don’t believe the words you say

the terms you use

the words you pray

the lies you create.

I don’t believe ‘I love yous’

I don’t believe in ‘I’m sorry’

I don’t believe in ‘I’ve changed’

I don’t believe in promises.

I barely believe in myself anymore.

I can’t see who I am anymore

All I can see is that I exist.


Blindness is a mental disease.

What’s the point of living

if you can’t believe

in the things you cannot see?


hopes and dreams

I have a lot of hopes and dreams

dreams of you near

hopes of you staying

dreams of your existence

hopes for dreams to become realities

I do a lot of hoping and dreaming

hoping you care

dreaming of love

forever hoping for dreams to become realities

because i want you in every reality

because I dream more than I hope

I dream of someone who likes the same tv shows as me,

someone who understands me,

someone who will risk it all for me,

someone who likes hot sauce on chips

someone who’s stars aline with mine

the comfort to my blanket

the seed to my soil

the hopes to my dreams.


slowly, ever so slowly you kill me

its like I’m messed up on heroin

your my own personal drug

the best crack I’ve ever snorted

so toxic

our love is so toxic

if god could hear me now

my knees dripping with blood,

choking on the fumes of devotion

sick on pills I just took

high on the feeling

stuck in the moment

stuck with you

high as kite

but lower than I’ve ever been.

the consequence of your love

is that it hurts

I tumble




if god could see me right now

would he love how much I love love

how much I love loving you

that even the temporary high is worth the underlying pain.


one night stands

I inhale the murderous smoke,

the thought of you always on my mind,

I exhale,

and remember the times when you were mine.

my eyes begin the water,

the memories of you with her flash through my mind like photographs,

I recall the way your lips touched hers,

the way you pulled her in,

the way you looked in her eyes,

the way you smiled.

I remember how your face crumbled,

how you looked at me with shock,

how you ran at the speed of light,

how my face was an emotionless mask,

how all I could hear was roaring and ringing,

how you chased me till I lost the will to fight

how you screamed that she was nothing,

how you screamed that you loved me.

I almost believed you and fell for your compulsive lies,

I looked behind you and I saw her face.

a face full of sorrow heartache and pain

then I recall how you looked in her eyes.

then I knew everything we had was a lie.

so I let him go. to be with her.

cause even though he was a player I knew he loved her

and I know I loved him more,

I loved him so much that I had  to let him go

I never said that it never hurt

it felt like being stabbed from ever corner to know he was never mine but hers.

but who am I to disrupt fate and what the fates have planned

maybe I’m fated to a long list of one night stands.

Saturday Soup

This isn’t my first goodbye.
Grandma, do you remember when I was 9?
I sat in my room.
I cried.

Grandma, do you remember after school?
Do you remember Saturdays too?
Just me, you, Nicholas and Saturday soup

Saturday soup was like sunshine,
it was like love,
if I even know what love is.
It was the taste of the Caribbean,
The roots you planted and fed.

Now your gone,
Saturday soup no longer taste like sunshine but it tastes like rain.
It’s tastes like your old hat, your smile, your laugh and pain.
It tastes like church on a Sunday morning and you putting us to bed at night.
It’s tastes like missing you and wanting you back and asking him why.

Grandma, do you remember when I was 13?
You picked a grapefruit from the tree,
We spoke,
We laughed,
We hugged.
almost reminded me of when me, you and Nicholas had Saturday soup.

I never knew that would be the last time seeing you,
Did you know grapefruit trees died Grandma?
Not long after you went too.

Now, I’m not a big believer
But for you,
I hope heaven is a garden made specifically for you,
I hope it has loads of grapefruit trees and a kitchen to make soup,
I hope it’s as beautiful as you,
I hope he gave you a warm welcome,
I hope you know that all has been forgiven,
I hope it was all you prayed for and more.
I pray your watching,
I pray you can see how much we miss you already,
I pray you miss us too.

Grandma, do you remember when I was 19?
that’s when we lost you.
and even though its hard to bear
And even though I wish you well up there
I still hope I walk into the kitchen
And I see you there,
with a pot on the fire,
And spoon in your hand,
just like when it was just me, you, Nicholas and Saturday soup.

Rest Easy, we love you.

The Platonic Breakup

No one talks about a friendship ending.

No one talks about how its feels to lose a friend.

It might sound dramatic, a bit silly, stupid even. But think about it… how does it feel when you to lose someone that was so close to you? someone who almost felt like family? someone you thought was going to be there for all of your achievements and you for theirs? someone that you’ve known for years and was convinced they would be there for many more?

I was watching Sabrina Benaim spoken word poem called “On Platonic Love Being a Real Thing”. Contemplating what she meant, and how the universe somehow knew that I needed to watch that video at this very moment in time. Where I was starting to lose faith that people knew what true friendship meant. That I even knew what true friendship meant.

There is such heavy importance on when you breakup with your significant other. But everyone seems to dismiss the importance of platonic relationships. How they shape your views on relationships altogether. How they affect the way you love. How they affect the way you view other people. How it feels to breakup.

I’ve experienced many platonic breakups. It feels as if the older I get, the more painful they become. The more aware I become on how much I care about the people closest to me. Like any normal breakup, you consider why the other person doesn’t care as much as you do. Even though you instigated the breakup because you no longer felt cared for, listened to or respected. You thought… at least they would fight. To then come to the realisation that not everyone has your heart and not everyone deserves a space in there either.

How to deal with a platonic breakup is to allow yourself to feel hurt. Allow yourself to reminiscence. Allow yourself to be grateful. Allow yourself to stop being angry at how it all ended. Remind yourself that there are people out there that know and understand the true meaning of friendship. Remember that you don’t always need answers, sometimes it better to not know why.

Most importantly, you have learnt something. You have gained knowledge. You have grown and maybe the breakup was a message from the universe to remind you to trust yourself. To never second guess your choices. To remind you not to love less, but to love wisely.

To ensure that you will always value, love and care for the ones that stayed. Even when they didn’t have to.