Choking

I’ve been so lost.

I’ve been drowning.

Not drowning my sorrows in a good bottle of Jack

But instead inhaling and exhaling the smoke God let grow

I don’t know where I am

I’m unsure to where I am going to go

and for once I can’t see my own future.

Its like water filling my lungs

Choking

Choking on responsibilites

my fear of heart break

my fear of never belonging

my fear of failure

anger.

I’m choking on anger.

Waiting for someone to help me breathe

but no one is coming.

Realising, that in this world you have no one but yourself

even the flower you helped grow will die

even the person who watered you, will die.

but anger.

I can die angry at the world.

The anger that corrupted my spirit, my soul

The pain I cover up with fists.

With yelling

With shouting.

Questioning why

why does it always seem like the grass is greener on the other side?

why does it feel like the world is crashing around me?

why does it feel like my poetry has no direction?

why do people hurt the people they love?

why did the world have to let my grandma die?

why couldn’t I stop it?

why couldn’t I stop it.

pain is just a consequence of love.

maybe I loved her too much.

maybe I needed her too much.

maybe I deserve to spend the rest of my life choking.

 

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I no longer believe in things I cannot see.

that means that theres a lot of things I don’t believe in.

I lack faith. Religious guidance. Emotional support.

I believe actions speak louder than words

I don’t believe the words you say

the terms you use

the words you pray

the lies you create.

I don’t believe ‘I love yous’

I don’t believe in ‘I’m sorry’

I don’t believe in ‘I’ve changed’

I don’t believe in promises.

I barely believe in myself anymore.

I can’t see who I am anymore

All I can see is that I exist.

Existing.

Blindness is a mental disease.

What’s the point of living

if you can’t believe

in the things you cannot see?

 

hopes and dreams

I have a lot of hopes and dreams

dreams of you near

hopes of you staying

dreams of your existence

hopes for dreams to become realities

I do a lot of hoping and dreaming

hoping you care

dreaming of love

forever hoping for dreams to become realities

because i want you in every reality

because I dream more than I hope

I dream of someone who likes the same tv shows as me,

someone who understands me,

someone who will risk it all for me,

someone who likes hot sauce on chips

someone who’s stars aline with mine

the comfort to my blanket

the seed to my soil

the hopes to my dreams.

Consequences

slowly, ever so slowly you kill me

its like I’m messed up on heroin

your my own personal drug

the best crack I’ve ever snorted

so toxic

our love is so toxic

if god could hear me now

my knees dripping with blood,

choking on the fumes of devotion

sick on pills I just took

high on the feeling

stuck in the moment

stuck with you

high as kite

but lower than I’ve ever been.

the consequence of your love

is that it hurts

I tumble

crash

fall

crumble.

if god could see me right now

would he love how much I love love

how much I love loving you

that even the temporary high is worth the underlying pain.

 

one night stands

I inhale the murderous smoke,

the thought of you always on my mind,

I exhale,

and remember the times when you were mine.

my eyes begin the water,

the memories of you with her flash through my mind like photographs,

I recall the way your lips touched hers,

the way you pulled her in,

the way you looked in her eyes,

the way you smiled.

I remember how your face crumbled,

how you looked at me with shock,

how you ran at the speed of light,

how my face was an emotionless mask,

how all I could hear was roaring and ringing,

how you chased me till I lost the will to fight

how you screamed that she was nothing,

how you screamed that you loved me.

I almost believed you and fell for your compulsive lies,

I looked behind you and I saw her face.

a face full of sorrow heartache and pain

then I recall how you looked in her eyes.

then I knew everything we had was a lie.

so I let him go. to be with her.

cause even though he was a player I knew he loved her

and I know I loved him more,

I loved him so much that I had  to let him go

I never said that it never hurt

it felt like being stabbed from ever corner to know he was never mine but hers.

but who am I to disrupt fate and what the fates have planned

maybe I’m fated to a long list of one night stands.

Lottery Ticket

I would die for you,

take a bullet straight to my brain,

a knife in my chest,

lay down my life,

take my last breath,

venture into the unknown which is life after death,

if theres even a life at all,

let myself fall into the uncertain.

would you do the same for me?

would you take a bullet straight to your lungs,

a knife in your leg,

hoping for a heaven and even a hell.

its crazy.

absolute madness.

how certain I am that I would give everything up for you,

and how unsure I am that you would do the same.

it like buying a lottery ticket,

its like answering a 22 mark question and praying you got it right,

because in the end you either get what you want,

or you fail,

life is a gamble,

and sometimes it always feels like your losing.

 

There was a time,

when I thought I knew how much I meant to you.

Now it just feels like a knife in the back,

and a bullet to heart.

 

even now.

with everything I now know,

with all this knowledge I have acquired,

with a firm grasp on how much I mean to you

If the bullet were to fly in your direction,

if the knife was to pierce your chest,

if the angel of death was knocking on your door,

I’m sure,

that I wouldn’t think twice about my next move.